The Asshole in the Mirror

It's only 11:30something, as I use to call it

Now it's late.  I'm too old for this game.  To which response, J.H. might say, you gotta play in the game first... (before being too old is the assumption).  

It doesn't take that much anymore, just a little is enough... and now I'm flying...  I want so much, but wanting is not enough... if it were we'd be less for want, and more for not.  

It's not what homo?... it's only what? what you make of it?... you weren't listening, kendo is a pass, but you weren't listening... that part of your life you can keep, because I'm walking off.  That's all you, and I'm happy you got the babies to lay with, but for me, I got my own nursery.   I got my own rhymes... rhythm... and blues.  

Now I'm numb, to the world, to you.  Just a little taste, just a little more, I become a burden... so I walk my ass home, but at least I'm numb to you.  

How do I say, I don't want to be here, this is a fucking set-up without sounding like a *&(*%$#?

Because it is.  I told, you before the many many weeks you been bringing it up.  Now I'm telling you again... that part you can keep.  Me?  I have my own thank you.  

You inevitably sound like an asshole, and I accept what I might sound like to you.  That's just it though, what it sounds like to you... it's how you hear it... it's how I want to be heard.  I'm sorry I sound like a *$(*%$#.  It sucks to be your ears right now... but deal with it.  

---

We held hands...

---

Underneath a table, side by side, my hand found yours. I played with your fingers and then eased them, yours and mine between each other. You gripped my hand, and I knew you weren't going to let go. Not now, not ever. We we made eye contact what was brief to anyone who noticed, but was an eternity for us. You slightly smiled and turned your attention towards our friends. It's been long since I've seen everyone, it's been long since I've seen you... but my feelings remain the same...

This conjured image so warm, based on life, and based in dreams...

I awaken. A lot can change in ten years. You might not even recognize me anymore.

---

I've been sick all week.

---

Maybe it's the air quality, though in truth, I was careless Monday. The extreme temperature between A/C and non A/C environments couldn't have helped any. Not drinking enough water doesn't help either. Drinking hella alcohol doesn't help either... seems like poor choices for a supposedly grown man.

---

"I may grow old, but I refuse to grow up"

---

So someone once said.

I still dream. Somewhere I got the idea that growing up would be like not dreaming anymore. Like waking up to the cold hard reality of it. Life just takes hold... and you stop dreaming. I wasn't far off... I hadn't dreamt in ages... I mean really dream. The longing wishing dreaming if there was an African Goddess in heaven type of dream... shit if this was how life worked out to be... I'd have you now. You'd have me..., but then I guess that might be a nightmare huh... depends on perspective. :/ yeah... changing subjects.

---

I'm going to die.

---

Not in the immediate future if I can hep it. But in all likelihood, the odds are set against me. I'm okay with mortality, but you question the necessity of the finite if what we have ahead of us... you know where we go after... if that's infinite, why the finite? Trial & error, test & judgment. Hell I'm screwed to begin with if life's one big exam. I'm a lousy test taker... and than the whole life is one exam after another takes on a whole new scale of meaning. St. Peter and his keys to the pearly gates, and Cerberus and his three sets of piercing eyes... doomed.

Then there's the other theory... the life is infinite theory... that the cycle continues and on and on with no end... your only escape is dying as an innocent a thousand times over. Which means for the ilk that is my kind, being born a badass wins me a ticket to eternity's-ville. Sorry, man, you're shit out of luck. Questionable, many of those close to me would roll their eyes at my claim to the badass category... yeah you're a real badass alright... but I'm saying... I don't worship evil... there's just this appeal... like a completeness that otherwise defaces our value. homo superior - that is man, is not without the light and the dark. Considering our roots... murder, rape and the various incarnations of said sins a thousand times over and you get the picture. Granted man doesn't go around raping and pillaging villages as much anymore (O_O yeah as much) and we're all cultured and civilized thank Jeebus... but we do it in otherwise. We kill each others time, we kill people's dreams, we destroy identities, we steal it, we rape it. It's far removed from before... but it's still there.

Consider Man. Today's man. He's far removed as well. No longer is he tied to just finding the means of surviving... hunting and gathering... we have evolved and so has our passions for destruction. Enlightenment is fooling us into thinking we can hide the shadows at our backs... that there is no heart of darkness... I beg to differ. Accept it. There's two sides to the coin. (P.S. yeah I just saw Dark Night, and yes you should watch it.)

So there's this side to me that's light and then there's this darkness. I apart of me dreams of hopeful things, Another is all fatalistic. There's this infinite life or death or both and there's an exam.. so listen up. Enlightenment if a candle that attracts moths which you can kill for fun by plucking their wings and in which case you're going to rot in hell of be reincarnated as a moth who gets killed by having its wings pulled off... and then there's this headache... because I drink too much, all of which will probably if not now sooner, will eventually later kill me. Thank you and goodnight.

---

P.S.S: Dare to dream.

---

She taught me what a boredom boner was. She taught me what it meant to be imprisoned by love. Love... I loved her before I even knew what it was... There's love in the Light..., but there's also a darkness about it. Like our souls, like our hearts... there's no escape. Save but then in my innocence in which I knew it ass pure and as white as a thousand supernovas collapsing into itself. And all that energy released and loss and brought back into itself. Love gives endlessly, and I'm there left never the same again. Someday I will find you again... I will tell you how you changed my life for the better... that had you not bribed the fake sheriff to put me in fake jail, I'd never have this feeling that was so real. So I can't die... not yet, not into I see you again.

So we gathered, not knowing what the future holds...

We're all at crossroads.  That much was certain.  In the past, I would have driven the 300 odd miles to connect those common threads... weave ourselves together and retell those old tales.  In the past, I would not have hesitated to say, "Tomorrow, picnic?  Okay!"  

I missed the faces tonight.  Superbitch's house warming: I waited eagerly anticipating the event more so than anticipating a summer blockbuster.  I knew it would be special, and it was.  Understandably (hopefully), I spent most the evening in the company of old friends, not mingling and networking.  It's knowing where priorities lie, and how the future, uncertain as it is, leave little opportunities for all of us to gather in one spot.  It's become so rare.  How can something so rare as friendship, tried and true and tested... supposedly uncommon (and is, I've searched) ever be taken for granted or let fall into our past... the old stories and the old memories...

Yet, like it was yesterday, there you all were.  There we were.  I was at my lowest in your apartment.  I was at my highest.  I took you in, I fed you, and I made sure you felt home... you returned the favor... and now we're here.  For a moment, I was me again.  You took me in, you fed me, and you made me feel at home.  Tonight was so awesome, I know that whatever uncertainties lie ahead, we'd always have those common threads... these moments to remind each other, to remind ourselves, what we mean to each other.  I hope you never forget what you mean to me.

Brilliant film making... I only hope it doesn't get lost in the Summer Movie Shuffle.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army... a review

I'm what you would call a fanboy, an osaka, if you will, when it comes to these comic book movies.  Yes, admitting such 

makes me a bit more of a dork...  than I already am.  :D

I can see the arguments about the movie being slow, but I counter that argument with the many elements and subplots that the 2nd movie had to develop.  There were two love story subplots, six character developments at least, back exposition, and than there's the technical filming and shooting of such an amazingly visual world.  I know that the director doesn't like to rely too heavily on computer special effects, and if you watch carefully, you'll see those slick Guillermo del Toro shots.  

Hellboy 2 is actually a perfect example of why I felt Wanted (2008) fell short of expectation in my previous blog/review.  (Feel free to use the google search to look for it, or scroll through my blog archive).  I think Wanted (2008) delivered the action.  It was fast paced and kept the action moving.  That's great, but the story fell through the cracks and the characters could have used more development.  Hellboy 2 is more action-adventure in that sense.  There's development of characters, and of this whole other world with it's own rich history.  See, that's what I meant by good direction.  Guillermo del Toro is able to tell us a rich story without sacrificing depth.  In Wanted (2008), the Fraternity of Assassins or Weavers could have been given much more depth, but instead there's quick surface expositions and the action starts again.  

I don't know, it's preference really.  The go, go, go works well in action movies.  And in all honesty, I liked Wanted, but that's on the entertainment level.  It's just comparing the technical capturing and delivering of a certain vision... hands down, direction goes to Guillermo del Toro.  

Other recommended movies by the director:

Another grain of sand that slips through your fingers...

Thursday, July 9th, 2008.  20th anniversary of Gordon Bierch, Downtown San Jose - Night

Cal 

"You got to let it go man, 

(a break) 

That bitterness in your heart man.  It's like the heart of darkness... oh shit, I can't believe I busted Conrad on your ass!  Shit, but really man. You got to let in out instead of all this internalizing shit."  

Cal's arms and hands try to animate his sentiment.  From his chest, they arch outwardly as in a motion of release, of giving.  

If only I had the courage to step up tonight...

Before I forget, I want to say this... You're amazingly, deception-ally, stupendously, awestruck-inally, damned if I can find the words... there's just this energy, this vibe.  We're connected.  I know you know, but it's not like we're going to let it happen.  No, not again... say, let's dance.  Why not right?  We live but once, so let's live.  I mean really live, because people say they live, but they don't mean it... not like us, not tonight... you and me, let's make fools of ourselves and think nothing of it... let's go out there... leave it out there... and whatevers... because that's life.  It's you and me and now.  What do you say?

I wonder...

how many more worthy grains of sand is lost needlessly before I realize that I am left with nothing?  Alone in my bitterness, I curse love, and with emptiness in my heart I wallow in my own self pity.  So the story goes... he who dwell on dreams dwells in misery... I wonder if there is an end to misery,maybe it's just displaced and never goes away.

Rule #1, according to the legendary Johnny S.

Don't (repeat).  Don't pick up the dropped quarters at the Lusty Lady.

"What is the Lusty Lady?" I ask.  Apparently, it is a coin operated peep show venue.  Think about it... freakin' words of wisdom, and yes... spoken from experience.  

Immediately, there was something different from the man.  Like a different wavelength, a different form of energy, radiating from him... he speaks wisdoms, yet he looks upon us like younglings... perhaps rightly so.  "You wouldn't be able to handle Vegas with me.  You need to pop your cherry several more times, before you can do Vegas with me.  It's the smutty, sleazy side, and you wouldn't be able to handle it... not yet."  

Awestruck and scared... this man has been there, done that... I can learn a few things.   

I'm so hungry right now!

I know you know the feeling.  The whole world over feels what I feel.. We're all starving, we're all hungry for it.  I'm talking about our time, about when we get our slice of the pie.  My generation's all about entitlement, like we don't have to work for our crumbs!  We do, we understand that.  Just give me something I can work with... something that pays... something that I'm good at!  I'm here, just hungry for it... I want it so bad!  When am I going to be free?  Free of this rat race, free of this forsaken place!  I need escape... I know you feel it.  I feel it.  The whole world over feels it.  Stop the hunger, feed the world!  Let's create wealth together.  

The world I want to live in...

I'll never forget my first time... playing MASS EFFECT. 

:P

My cousin J, who's known me all my life, can vouch that I take my sweet ass time playing any RPG.  The first one that I really played was Final Fantasy VII, which needless to say, blew my mind.  Yeah, I might have played other RPGs since then, but as quickly as they came just as quickly did they leave.  FF7... that was my first time, and you never forget your first.  One, you're never really over your first; I never really completed FF7.  Without using any game cheats or third party code breakers, I ended my third run through of the game in 2005 only missing one damn Enemy Skills Materia!!   Two, that was the only RPG I ever tried that with... you know, completely finishing 100%.   

The rise of wonderful graphic engines, blurring the boundaries of the real and game world, brought with it more promise.   To someone who has always yearned for escape, they offered me the opportunity to live out fantastical adventures.  Only as a child did I live and breathe those far off worlds.  As adults, we're ever so grounded.  If they told me the truth, "being an adult is like being grounded for life,"  I would have told them to take adult hood and shove it.  Serious.  Now, there's this whole stigma-type stereotype about video games and the men/boys that play them.  After all, video games are just games, so they have to be for kids, right?  As an adult, your interests should be elsewhere.  To this I agree, partially.  I've dabbled in adult affairs, and there are times I would say reality sucks... dirty, unwashed, hairy ass.  Sometimes you need to escape.  A movie helps, rocking out to your favorite beats helps, or... a video game, better yet: living in an alternate world... a simulation if you will... that helps.  

So lately, life's sucking horribly.  Not much I can do about it but keep fighting...  

My release has been this amazing world created by Bioware.   Mass Effect (2007) is deep and rich in story and in imagination.  The gameplay is sweet: the open-ended/close-ended dynamic is perfectly balanced.  I expect the replay value may even surpass FF7.  No it won't be like the first time... but it was still amazing, and I will never forget the experience.  If you have a Xbox360 or a PC that can play it... do so.  You owe it to yourself and your children's children.  one day, they will hopefully ask you what it was like growing up playing FF7 (the original) or Mass Effect (the original).  They'll be baffled at how we can called such worlds immersive and virtual.  They'll be playing in their holographic rooms (yes, like in Trek) and would laugh at the size of our supposedly "portable" computers.   Apparently, being huge in the future is a stigma/stereotype.  

You gotta love the innuendoes!

Haven't written anything in a few days...

Arrrr....!